Internal Family Systems Therapy for Individuals

Many humans spend much of their time…

… feeling what they don’t want to feel… or avoiding feelings they don’t want to feel.

… doing what they don’t want to do… or avoiding things they don’t want to do.

… having conflicts they don’t want… or avoiding conflicts they don’t want.

Why are we going around doing things we don’t want to do?

Parts of us are pushing ourselves to do things that we think will make our lives better – things like: complete all the tasks on our to-do list, start exercising, be nice to someone even when we feel like hurting them. They also urge us to stop doing things they see as being harmful. These parts are called ‘Managers’ because they are trying to manage our lives.

There are other parts of us that just want us to feel better, to self-soothe or give us a ‘break’ from difficult emotions. These parts exist in all of us and, when life is challenging, they engage in ‘too much’ of things like drinking, watching TV, shopping, phone scrolling, sleeping, eating, sex, self-harm, or anything else that helps us to feel better, even for a moment. These parts are called ‘Firefighters’ because they put out the fire of difficult emotions.

These different parts of ourselves are at war with each other. You’ve probably even heard them arguing with each other in your head.

One part says to us, “Have that donut.” It might go further and convince you why it’s a good idea: “You deserve it!” “You’ve been working hard!” “We’ll just eat one, okay?”

The other part tells us not to: “You don’t need it.” “You’ll regret it if you do.” “There are other things you can eat, you know?”

Within the SAME BRAIN, we’re pushed to do this, that, or the other… sometimes ridiculed or put down for the choices we make. We’re torn, and sometimes it seems like we’ll be wrong no matter WHAT choice we make.

What if your best friend treated you this way?

Imagine them telling you to do one thing… and, then, as soon as you did it, that same friend attacked you for it.

You would end that friendship immediately! Anyone would!

But we don’t. Instead, we’ve all learned to live with noisy, contradictory “advice” in our heads.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy gives us the tools to “upgrade” our systems.

IFS gives us a lens to examine WHAT we are doing and WHY we are doing it. It sheds light on what we’re doing to be happy and why those things might be failing.

The cutting-edge insight of IFS is that our lives are made up of various systems, and to improve our lives, we have to know how different parts of different systems work together. We have to be able to see ourselves from other points of view.

Imagine you’re buying a house (or making some other complex decision). To make a good choice, you’ll need to examine it from multiple points of view:

How will it impact you financially?

How will it affect your current and future job?

How does the house suit you and the different members of your family?

To answer these questions, we have to SHIFT our point of view dramatically, appreciating the different ways various parts affect our systems – those inside us and those of others around us.

IFS therapy is a specialty of “Marriage and Family Therapy.”

Here’s why that matters… and why it makes sense given our talk about systems so far.

IFS views the family as a complex system – a collection of components affecting each other. Let’s go back to our solar system as an example. Do you know how each planet has a gravitational pull on the other planets? It’s like that in families, too: Each member has a “pull” on the others. Think, for example, how a new baby changes everyone in the family system.

Using IFS, we can explore the “family” of parts inside you (remember those competing parts that told you to eat the donut and then got mad at you for doing it?).

By looking honestly at what these parts inside you are doing and why, we can begin to understand the dynamics behind the contradictory “advice” swirling around in your head.